No More People Pleasing
Page* asked to work with me on several things, but people pleasing wasn’t one of them. Page is a confident and assertive woman, owner of her own business, so this wasn’t even on my radar as her coach, until she told me the following story.
“I was at my friend’s house one day when she said to me, ‘I might just get you to watch the cat when I’m away in February. She didn’t ask. Just a statement.”
Page went on to explain how she had increasingly felt taken for granted by this friend, who would often just assume that Page would be available to do things – watch the cat, care for her son, let a tradesman into her house.
One of the things that Page and I had been working on is noticing when rumination starts. (This is what I call it when people’s internal dialogue starts chattering and won’t stop.)
“I noticed that I started ruminating – that internal voice was going on and on about how I’m always doing things for her, but she doesn’t do as many things for me, and how she’s taking me for granted…”
“Previously I would have just looked after the cat. Because of people pleasing. I wouldn’t have done it with a happy heart. And I wouldn’t have really noticed the resentment, the rumination, or the insidious damage to the relationship and to me. I would have just caved, and then that becomes the expectation and the currency of the relationship.”
This time, instead of saying anything to her friend, Page had the ability to slow down and observe what was happening inwardly. She could feel the energy behind the rumination. She felt the tension in her body and allowed it to release.
Over the next day she observed as her mind and body processed this event and the patterns behind it. She went through a process of:
- “Enough is enough, I’m going to set a strong boundary. I need to name it and say no,” then
- Thinking about whether she needs to set a boundary or just say no when the request comes in February,
- Wondering whether her friend is in her life because of all the things she does for her, and
- Recognising the risk inherent in setting boundaries.
At the time that we spoke, Page was still considering whether to give feedback to her friend or just start saying no more often.
“But now I have more insight and choice than I did when I would just say yes. Now I can say no and feel good about it. Even if our friendship has lasted partly because of the things I’ve done for her, that doesn’t mean we don’t care for each other. It just means that things will shift. And I’m good with that.”
*Story shared with permission. Name has been changed to protect privacy.
